Wow, nothing to write about in these few days. They’ve been very slow and I have been procrastinating stuff I got to do. I have to go to IIT before the 13th…and finish up term end formalities there . Well really, thats about it. Yesterday , Pooja and I had a talk about the rather strained relationship between her mother and (her sister + brother-in-law). Now its not the general disagreements that you can see in quite a few households….here, even the daughter and mother have serious differences , to the point that they cannot stand each other.
I’ve listened to this over two years now , mostly because it disturbs Pooja to an extent. It shouldn’t disturb her for the following reasons :
a ] It does not involve her in ANY way you can think of.
b ] She is not involved in any decision-making here that may or may not lead to a conflicless interaction beween the aforementioned individuals.
Therefore there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Yet , she does get psyched up about it. The proper way to address this is, and prevent psyching up would be :
a ] You listen to everything the individuals tell you with ZERO emotional involvement. You listen only because the individuals want to share and talk.
b ] You simply and firmly with surgical precision, cut yourself out from the entire affair from either sides.
The thing is , there are certain things people expect from grandmothers. And as far as Indian tradition and values go, grandmothers should have their children and grandchildren as higher priorities than any hobbies they would like to pursue. I know this sounds obvious to most Indians who read it. The support that a mother-to-be needs from another woman is basically the assurance that her responsibilities of the household / or otherwise , will be taken care of. That is what provides the mental support. Nobody wants you to sit by their bedside and hold their hands because you are unable to do something and watch the house catch fire. 😛
Secondly, it is common knowledge that one must adhere as far as possible to the discipline and norms of a place when you are there. Especially if you are there because of your own willingness to help your children . And no sane person seeks to instruct an employee of another household, especially if one is not aware of the ways of the place.
And it certainly helps if you are not morose and whiny while doing the above.
Such expectations, are not abnormal from the background we grow up in. However, if what you expect is not what the person does, it is where individualism comes in. In this case , your expectations are simply wrong. Do not expect, because obviously the other peson does not reciprocate your trust in the person that you could recieve help from him/her when you need it.
That is the lesson to be learnt. Too bad it didn’t work out.
And yes, I can say this non-chalantly because I have the comfortable confidence instilled by my family that such a situation will not land upon me, at least not by intention. So ? Am I to feel guilty about a good thing ? Does it make the analysis above inaccurate ? It only makes it easier for me to make a rational analysis…thats all.