The Daily Nash-on

a mindstream from just another statistic…

Slow days

with 4 comments

Wow, nothing to write about in these few days. They’ve been very slow and I have been procrastinating stuff I got to do. I have to go to IIT before the 13th…and finish up term end formalities there . Well really, thats about it. Yesterday , Pooja and I had a talk about the rather strained relationship between her mother and (her sister + brother-in-law). Now its not the general disagreements that you can see in quite a few households….here, even the daughter and mother have serious differences , to the point that they cannot stand each other.

I’ve listened to this over two years now , mostly because it disturbs Pooja to an extent. It shouldn’t disturb her for the following reasons :

a ] It does not involve her in ANY way you can think of.

b ] She is not involved in any decision-making here that may or may not lead to a conflicless interaction beween the aforementioned individuals.

Therefore there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Yet , she does get psyched up about it. The proper way to address this is, and prevent psyching up would be :

a ] You listen to everything the individuals tell you with ZERO emotional involvement. You listen only because the individuals want to share and talk.

b ] You simply and firmly with surgical precision, cut yourself out from the entire affair from either sides.

The thing is , there are certain things people expect from grandmothers. And as far as Indian tradition and values go, grandmothers should have their children and grandchildren as higher priorities than any hobbies they would like to pursue. I know this sounds obvious to most Indians who read it. The support that a mother-to-be needs from another woman is basically the assurance that her responsibilities of the household / or otherwise , will be taken care of. That is what provides the mental support. Nobody wants you to sit by their bedside and hold their hands because you are unable to do something and watch the house catch fire. 😛

Secondly, it is common knowledge that one must adhere as far as possible to the discipline and norms of a place when you are there. Especially if you are there because of your own willingness to help your children . And no sane person seeks to instruct an employee of another household, especially if one is not aware of the ways of the place.

And it certainly helps if you are not morose and whiny while doing the above.

Such expectations, are not abnormal from the background we grow up in. However, if what you expect is not what the person does, it is where individualism comes in. In this case , your expectations are simply wrong. Do not expect, because obviously the other peson does not reciprocate your trust in the person that you could recieve help from him/her when you need it.

That is the lesson to be learnt. Too bad it didn’t work out.

And yes, I can say this non-chalantly because I have the comfortable confidence instilled by my family that such a situation will not land upon me, at least not by intention. So ? Am I to feel guilty about a good thing ? Does it make the analysis above inaccurate ? It only makes it easier for me to make a rational analysis…thats all.

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Written by Nash

December 9, 2004 at 4:08 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

4 Responses

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  1. Looking after Pooja’s best interests is great Nachi. However I have realized that in trying times like the one you have mentioned above, advice does not really help. Its my personal experience. You may disagree, but these are the patterns i have noticed when advice is given.

    Ofcourse I am not aware of what goes on in Pooja’s family as I have not met them and hence do not know the perspective. Nor have I had any experience of this nature either.

    However, my point is, Pooja gets disturbed by such things proves that it is against her nature. She seems to be a peace loving person and does not like to see such of kind of things happening in her family. Everyone needs a healthy family to keep a healthy frame of mind. In times like these, it would be great if Pooja would come out even more and de-stress completely about such issues. I am sure she must be doing that with you. However it is in your best interests to ensure that the bad feelings do not linger in her mind.

    Hence sometimes giving absolute or practical or logical advice sometimes does not help. It only helps if the person is receptive and is asking for it. Judging from what I read above, Pooja does not seem to be receiving. For example “Yet , she does get psyched up about it. The proper way to address this is, and prevent psyching up would be :…..”

    In this case, I would say that you slacken on the advice a bit and give her more time to talk and discuss the feelings with you. The more she talks, the better she gets and the more comfortable she will be with you.

    The human being always bounces back…I am sure she will come out of this and in due time realize that none of it is her fault. Some problems are direct and others are indirect. She will realize this is an indirect problem. The necessity for her is to become rational enough to realize that it is an indirect problem. And she will not be able to be rational untill her mind is clear from the stress.

    Pooja, you have every right to disagree with me. I am sure you will read this comment. Anyways, since I am concerned about Nachi in the nature of a brother, I am automatically concerned about you.

    Always watchin out for u brother…peace…Rugved.

    Roodge

    December 10, 2004 at 7:26 pm

  2. Hey Roodge, twas good to hear your point of view. I understand that rationality is difficult to adopt when you’re in emotional turmoil states. However, I must say that Pooja’s status on this isn’t half as bad as the writing might have implied. So definitely, there is no “bouncing back” required. This thing is quite old…2 years at least. And it just keeps bothering her at a frequency of a few times a year.
    Still, it happened again, and I only think it shouldn’t be getting to her.

    Nash

    December 10, 2004 at 8:59 pm

  3. And this wasn’t advice, but the result of talk between us…right upto the wee hours of the morning.
    She was part of the talk. 🙂

    And ’twas very thoughtful of you to take the time out to write this between exams and stuff. Peace dude.

    Nash

    December 10, 2004 at 9:06 pm

  4. Anytime bro. Keep up the spirit. It feels great when someone gets a chance to support another person. I am glad Pooja doesnt let it affect her so much. Keep it real. Later. Rugved.

    Roodge

    December 12, 2004 at 7:09 am


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